1993

1993

A moaning
A grave space of wind
A Cathedral
And the trees.

New feminist
How can they compensate me for all that I’ve lost
All I never gained
How can they pay back my wealth of unheard ideas
How can they pay back my tears.
How can they comfort this world
That we’ve poisoned and traced and torn.
How can they sit idly by
And watch it all crumble around them
Even, they speed it on!
How can they patch-up the scar marks
Left on my face by their blindfold.
How can they expect me to hear them
When their words don’t make any sense
When my mind can no longer see them
And doesn’t particularly care.
How can they protect me
When I’m left bleeding by their badly judged flowers.
How can they even hope to make love to me
When I detest their merciless powers.
How can they say they know me
When they have not even tried.
And how can they promise to grieve for me
After I have finally died,
When they’ve stabbed at and murdered my soul.
How can they tell me I’m free now
When my bedroom still has no door.
I’ve entered into their Free State
I’ve entered into their mind
I’ve wandered through their bodies
And I’m left wanting,
I’m left blind.
I’m talking about our history,
I’m talking about the men.

In my sitting-room
I have a symphony here in my chamber
An orchestra in my mind
I have a bedroom full of oddities
They are all one-of-a-kind.
So please you, sit down on the sofa
Of burgundy-orange repine
And I’ll read you my beddy-time tea leaves
We will sip honey and wine.
But if you should try to talk fire
If you should try to come near
I will melt into the carpet
And you can make love to your own fear.
I will seduce you, my lover, in my own time
Just first let me straighten this frame.
The picture is of me and my lover
Same man, just by another name.
They all have a mustache and eyebrows.
They all have a penis, drink beer.
They all like to take me to parties.
They are all not as they appear.
So why do you choose them, you ask me.
Is it some Freudian slip of the mind?
No, it’s just that they fit here,
In my room of one-of-a-kind.

Untitled
Forgotten words are echoing in my brain-space
A hollow shell
A seething mud-swamp
A universe of open ocean
Which I may rest upon, healed
Hearing words, spoken silently
And Understood

Uncertainty
Darling, in the cold and windless afternoon
My thoughts move to you on the tips of snowgulls.
How are you? Where are you? When did you leave?
And my blood still quaking inside me, knotting, rotting.
Into a sack of loveless goosefeathers the pain seeps out
Leaving me relieved for a space.
And in the hugeness of my mind at night
A see-through emptiness tells me you are here.
Because I can smell you, because of a smile.
I move now, becoming pure.
I breath now, bespeaking life.
The picture becomes clearer, as I often forgot it would.
To know if my thoughts of  you were true,
To know if my wonderful assessment of your spirit was right…
But then, I suppose I would be a very powerful woman
A part of me that I feel, now and again, that I know to be true.
Do you fit in my picture?
More intensely, more vital, do you still think of me?
Good Greatness, my darling, I doubt myself,
Did you ever?
I would love to be enlightened to the TRUTH,
Even if it means a broken heart.

Purity is in my mind
Happiness is in my soul
And love is all around.

Commencement
If I could make a staircase
To a higher place above
The banister would be purity
The steps would all be happiness
And the landing would be love

Blackness
I love the night
I love the stars
I love the moon
It makes everything
So crisp and clear.
I love the clarity
I hate the fear.
But it is waning
My strength is growing
Soon we can dance
Just the shadows and I
Alone with our love
And our minds
Mingling.

Back and Forth
I feel love like a hunger
a craving
Love like a pain
Love like the rain.

Drown me in it darling
Let me feel warm all over
Make me chill with cold
Make me chill with fear.

Send me down the spiral
Throw me through the clouds
Fill me, hold me, love me, need me
Darling let me go – let me be free.

As a baby-child
Traipsing down the pavement road
Jeremy and I go running
With diapers on our heads
And laughter in our hearts
And Love Shining down from above us

Untitled
The sunlight is trickling through my window
It is crying, it is pain
My body is full of dirty water
It is corked-up, it is stained.
I am hopeless and I am hungry
I am running through the snow
My breath is coming out in crystals
I have nowhere else to go.
That is what it meant, mum:
The dog-face and the bird.
You are the winged icicle,
I am the little turd.
But that is how I feel, sometimes
Inside my beautiful body.
I feel ugly and greedy and evil
I feel used and I feel shoddy.
How do I get rid of this self-hate?
From whence does it spring?
I am not responsible for any of this,
But I can feel it.
I forgive it.
I set it free.

                    My heart beat
                I am a  wolf.
                Running over an icefield.
                Running.
Dear God
I am a child
And I would love to have fun.
Surround me with love,
And please make me healthy.
I love you.

OM
I feel myself protected
I feel myself — beautiful
I feel violet and white
Surrounding this room
Attracting what is highest
I feel myself — wise
I feel the wind — my mother
I the cougar – a healer, medicine woman
I the bear – strengthened
I the she-wolf – on the icefield, thoughtless
I the Buddhist – centered
I the spirit – because I can feel you
You calling me.
I hear the raven
I see with the eagle
I protected
I beautiful
I silent.

 


        A  breaking, a cracking
        A breathing, a wreathing
        Tree on the hill top stands
        Branches reaching, touching sky
        A link-up I can match-up
        A fulfillment even I may obtain.

 


spite
Yah, I’ve got these voices in my head, asshole,
Yah you with your megaphones of hell
Implanted in my thymus gland
Implanted in my blood.

Yah, you fuck, I’m blind, I’m deaf
And now I can’t even touch
And I can’t get to sleep
And my mind is dead on the street
Torn up, covered, within this shell
That isn’t even beautiful anymore
(Or so you’ve made me believe,)
And yah, my poetry is bland and  frank
But I don’t give a fuck
“I didn’t have the  class to cloak it in
Frilly, classless muck.”

So many ways to see things, dear.
Their voices are all over the place
And no one will know if their voices are louder or softer than mine.
And for those whose are, they will never have the chance to opt out of life and be “crazy”. Wouldn’t it be so nice? But my voices are so distracting I can’t be beautiful anymore.  You see?I used to write beautifully, and this doesn’t make any sense.

I’m down, man
Out of touch.
Yah, I’m successfully paranoid
Yah, I’m frozen with self-consciousness
Lack of pride, self-hate.
At least I have the strength to expose it in your face.

I remember her message to me
My mother once told me
A long time ago
That I was a beautiful girl
With an intelligent soul

So I danced in the flowers
And rolled in the grass
Until mother’s death
Put my life at half-mast

And reading through the pages
Of what I have become
I can feel her beside me
Even though I am undone.

This sadness will pass, dear
For it is true you are strong
And I will always love you,
Your soul and your song
Kinark Summer camp
Children,
I hear them crying.
I really see their pain
It’s in everything they do
It poisons their future
But we try to soften the blows here
We try to suck away some of the poison
We turn on the sunlight
If only for a day
If only for one smile
Perhaps that is a miracle.  
One smile
A beam of the sun
That burns,
That lasts,
That sings.

Untitled
I can feel Mother Earth
Sad that we don’t dance for Her anymore
Because the music is there
We’ve made it.  And it’s in the trees
The wind the sand that stings me
And sets me free on the shores of the sea
The salt in my mouth
The sky in my eyes
The jump in my limbs
I will enter the heavens
And I will throw you down a present:
Glasses – to help you see.

        My home
    How will I ever get there
The ships that must take me have all been burned
But the horizon still beckons me
The golden thread outlining its shore a Promise
And I can feel their love in my memory
The happiness still echoes in my soul.
The golden glow and a heady wine surround me
A harpsong fills my ears
My friends touch my limbs in love.
Even now they wish their ships could take me.
“How are you?” I hear them. “Are you alive there?”
My limbs are so stiff, for I haven’t flown in so long
We can not even write letters – there are no pigeons to take them.
And I can smell the faint whiffs of their food
Trailing on the wind, carried across the ocean
It makes my mouth water.
It makes me sad.

 


The man in my soul
I’ve seen joy in a woman’s voice
In a child-filled flower garden
Of petunias and peas
With sun splashing down
And thrown from hand to hand
The earth may be round dear
And oh so full of pain
But so is your eye, dear
And you know what lies therein.
In a parlor of peacocks
Of satin and sin
We are cherished, dear waltzers
We are the lover twins.
My cohort, my brother
Push me over, push me through.
I’ll jump from the bridge
My breasts aswayin’
With your man in my groin, in my blood
My alter ego, my playmate
Your eyes have bled
Your ears, your hands, your heart
Running with red
From their knives
That I wielded for them.
Oh, lover,
We walk in the same body
But you in bondage and me in shame
And I didn’t even know you existed
Until I reneged on their game
And they put me away
In a silent little room to think
And, oh, dear, I felt you
And, God, my anger burned
And now you run through my veins
You take me walking alone
We go biking in the mud
We tell them all to piss off
And oh, you make me feel strong.
You see, I live in a woman’s body,
But I have a half-man soul
He helps me to act.
I have a half-man soul
And reader, so do you.

 

Looking for love
Snap, snap your shadow back
For you are lost and gone and wailing.
Put your train on a brand new track
For this system is quickly failing.

Take me through tomorrow, baby
Take me through today
Lead me on with your blazing
Please, show me the way!